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06 October 2008 @ 10:46 am


I haven't made a post here since September 25th. It is now October 6th. It would appear that a lot can happen in such a short amount of time, so I'd best get writing.

Because of Dad's stubborn and paranoid ways, his out of control drinking and money spending, and his refusal to go to the doctor despite his condition, Mom and my sister set out to find a family lawyer and have Dad declared incompetent. The first court date was last Wednesday (October 1st) and Mom was granted medical custody or whatever. That night we put him in the hospital, and have since learned of liver failure and congestive heart failure. Good job, Dad. He needs a liver transplant, but can't even be placed on a transplant list until he's been sober for a year. That's all well and good, but I don't think anyone will disagree with me when I say that this won't happen. I've resigned myself to the fact that there will be a funeral in upcoming years, depending on how long it takes for his liver to fail completely. He's still in the hospital, but they're trying to discharge him on Tuesday or Wednesday of this week. We'll see what happens.

I had the house to myself this weekend, because Mom went to Gatlinburg with her friends. She needed the time away, most understandable. All in all, it was a good weekend. I finished and turned in my conformation assignment (finally!) and am now waiting to hear back from my professor. I hate waiting to know how I did on things, it's a bit stressful. I got some more reading done for conformation, more than I needed to do. Saturday was spent watching show jumping, horse racing, and UFC. Steph and her boyfriend came over and we drank a bit. Sunday, the weather was lovely. Kelli, Russell and I went up to Ren. Fest and I made out nicely. I have a pretty skirt now to go with my corset, some new oils, and a rose (from my darling <3)

I need to do some cleaning around the house, so it's not a terrible mess when Mom gets home tonight.

A Jehovah's Witness just came to the door and asked if I was a bible reader. Ugh.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and it's dangerous thinking. Hopefully now that the Moon is on the upswing, things will be better.

Goals for the week:

1. Read lesson two for Behavior Modification, and start the assignment

2. Gym, gym, gym!

3. Go to the apartment. Trash everything that needs to be trashed, pack what is being kept, and move it out.

 
 
Feeling: determineddetermined
Listening to: Stronger -- Kanye West
 
 
25 September 2008 @ 01:02 pm
 


I don't quite know where to begin at this point.

It's funny how things work out sometimes, to look back and think about everything that brought us to this point. All of the times we'd met, the places we had been at the same time. Something finally brought us to the right place at the right time. Will it work? I don't think anyone ever knows for sure where the path may lead. I know I love you, and I'm content to stay where I am with you. You're ridiculously sweet to me, and we have an assortment of wonderful times coming up. Ren. Fest is next weekend, the weekend after that is camping with fire and 'mallows! Then my birthday, tattoo, and who knows what else. Tomorrow is Friday, and that means you. There's little I enjoy more than being able to sleep with you, and wake up with you. It makes the weekend much better.

I'm perfectly happy with you.

And I want it to stay that way.

Aside from that ramble, my paycheck is $183.21 this week. Woot for money! I'm making $10/hour now, and apparently, it makes a massive difference. Peak season is going to be hell on my body, but at least I'll be bringing in some decent money for a couple of months. It'll jump start my savings account, that's for sure.

I paid off my closed checking account today, so that's done and taken care of. They said it'll take about a month to process, but this means that sometime after my birthday I can open a savings account and start stockpiling money for important things. I also ordered some new checks, so in 10 days I'll have some pretty horse checks!

 

 
 
Feeling: contentcontent
Listening to: Roll On -- Kid Rock
 
 
22 September 2008 @ 01:42 pm
 
I finally have the internets back. Cincinnati Bell is lucky, because I was more than ready to rip them a new asshole.

Goals for the week:
1. Finish conformation/anatomy assignment
2. Workout EVERYDAY
3. Start behavior modifcation lesson/assignment

It's going to be a busy week for me if I can manage to accomplish all of these things, especially when one considers that work is thrown in there every night. It's still a small enough list that I should get everything done. I'll have enough time to myself shortly, especially considering that UC starts soon. Less time with mon amour.

However, I shall still see him on Wednesday nights for Ghost Hunters (joys!) and the weekends shall continue to be wonderful. This past weekend certainly was, and something most unexpected occured. Not that I have any complaints <3

I had to change the date of my instructor exams to April 4th, because I was the only one registered for the October 18th date. I didn't have a problem with switching to a later date. It gives me more time to prepare (and worry.) Also, it'll be in Columbus, OH (a closer location means less gas) and at the Equine Affaire no less! I can worry for the exams, and then explore for a while afterwards. I've always wanted to go to Equine Affaire, I've just never had the money for it. I'll have to be sure to save up some money in advance! So many tempting things to buy...

I got my Hummer on Saturday! She's such a sexy bitch. I <3 her.

But not nearly as much as I <3 the man in my life, who I get to steal after a hellish night of work and sleep with. So unexpected, but so wonderful! It's a damn good thing I picked up that six pack of Modelo for tonight. I figured something would happen and I would want a drink, I just didn't know it would be as good as this ^^
 
 
Feeling: lovedloved
Listening to: Sister -- She Wants Revenge
 
 
09 September 2008 @ 10:28 pm

Two posts in one day? Is such a thing possible?

I imagine it is, since it's happening right at this moment.

I have successfully downloaded Loreena McKennitt's entire discography, and this makes me quite pleased. I found myself unable to find any of my previously bought CDs of hers, so I took it upon myself to fix the problem. I now have the perfect music to use for meditations, ritual, and other such things. I have so much "angry" music in my collection, I need something to calm me down. This will certainly help me. As a matter of fact, it is already.

I can't wait for the Full Moon to come along and share its energy with us. I'm sure it will be a most exciting night, regardless of whether or not it's a work night.

I feel as if I'm rambling a bit, so allow me to move on.

Here are my goals for the remainder of the week:
1. Finish my conformation assignment
2. Start my behavior modification assignment (with the help of the bf since it will make it much easier to observe reactions from my boo.)
3. Start writing the essays for my riding instructor exams

In other news, I may soon have my long awaited and wished for H3. I spoke with Mom about it tonight, and it has come down to this: Mom will pay for half, provided that Dad agrees to pay for half. Based on Mom's power of persausion, and her rule of the household, I shall soon have my darling. I will be most hardcore driving my black H3 through the streets. It will be much better than my Jeep (who is most likely on her way to death.) The service on my vehicle will be handled in the proper manner, and if it isn't, I can simply yell at my brother-in-law since he is the service manager for Hummer of Cincinnati. Of course, now that I'm getting excited about it, it won't happen. One can still hope... Employee pricing only continues through the end of the month, so we must act quickly on the matter. I wants my baby!

I get to see the bf tomorrow ^^ Thank the gods, because I miss him. It seems insane to miss him already, as I saw him only last night. But it's the truth. Once I get off work tomorrow evening, there will be the cuddling and the watching of Ghost Hunters (as I hope will become a Wednesday night "ritual" of sorts.) It's nice seeing him in the middle of the week, because then there is only one more day until Friday (where our weekend of joy begins!)

Epona help me, let me be happy for a while.

When the moon on a cloud cast night
Hung above the tree tops' height
You sang me of some distant past
That made my heart beat strong and fast
Now I know I'm home at last

You offered me an eagle's wing
That to the sun I might soar and sing
And if I heard the owl's cry
Into the forest I would fly
And in its darkness find you by.

And so our love's not a simple thing
Nor our truths unwavering
Like the moon's pull on the tide
Our fingers touch our hearts collide
I'll be a moonsbreath by your side

 
 
Feeling: hopefulhopeful
Listening to: Samain Night -- Loreena McKennitt
 
 
09 September 2008 @ 02:14 pm
I absolutely cannot wait. Full Moon always manages to put me in a most wonderful mood, especially when I'm able to spend it with someone dear to me. There's so much energy starting to float around as it gets closer to the wonderful day, that it's hard to ignore. It's hard not to get caught up in everything, hold high hopes for what may happen in the future. It's something I try not to do, but it's nearly unavoidable as the moon continues to wax and grow larger. 5 days.

It'll be our second Full Moon together. What can I possibly do to make the night as amazing as the first? Not much, as it will be a work night and I'll sleep alone that night. But there must be something... I'll figure it out. If nothing else, I need to get back into practicing. Some meditation may do me good. I need to gather my energy, start putting it to good use.

Tomorrow is Wednesday, and that means I get to watch Ghost Hunters with you ^^
 
 
Feeling: awakeawake
Listening to: Long Run -- Lennon
 
 
 
08 September 2008 @ 10:57 am
I don't even know where to start.

I wish there was a way to fix things.

I wish I wasn't such a goddamn coward.

I wish I could man-up and fucking text you, atleast then I would know if it's really as bad as I believe it to be. Your number is still in my phone, but I won't/can't use it. You were right, you know... I am, for all purposes, a fucking chickenshit. What's even worse? For everything that was said, for everything that offended/hurt/pissed me off, I still want you there.

For four years, I could turn to you for anything. I wanted to be with you, but the situation was fucking impossible. There was no way. So I settled for what I could have, friendship. Someone who cared, someone who knew me better than anyone else did. Two years in, when things could've worked, I was stuck with the biggest asshole I've ever been with. There's a reason I kept running to you throughout that time. It wasn't because of something physical, it was because someone still cared about me. 

11:11... Make a fucking wish.

I wish you would text me, call me, do something. I don't care if you're still pissed off, it's better than nothing.
 
 
Feeling: draineddrained
Listening to: Cruel Melody -- Black Light Burns
 
 
05 September 2008 @ 02:34 pm

It's true, it's finally arrived. Thank the gods. I have to work at 5:10, but once I get off, I get to steal the boyfriend away for the weekend. A grand weekend it shall be, even though my hair is not cooperating with me right now.

I've been up since 6:30am, which is most unusual for me. I have a schedule that I like to stick to. Up by 8:30am, and off to the gym. Granted, it hasn't been the same at all since I moved back into Mom's. A lot of adjusting has been going on, but today was going to be the day to get back on schedule. Unfortunately, sleep was interupted by a much unwanted dream. A dream of the past, a dream of the future, a dream of someone who is dead to me. It was frustrating to me, perhaps not the dream itself, but the state I was in when I woke up. I didn't want things to end up the way they did. However, I can't make decisions for other people. Perhaps he has a right to be angry with me, but I've discovered that it's never good to deny what you're feeling. I may have had feelings for you, in fact I've always cared for you... Four years are gone now. Maybe it's my fault, maybe it's yours. It sounds harsh, but it was too little too late.

Now, I find myself in need of some form of reassurance. Something that I rarely need. I'll have it tonight after work, this much I know. I only wish it would come sooner. Of course, no one ever knows where life will take them.

A wise woman once told me; many people will walk the path with you. Few, if any, will follow you to the end.

It's true.

I used to believe in the one, the "soulmate" as so many have called it. Perhaps I still do, but not in the same view. If there is only one out there, then I have found him in my horse. My soul. My mudcake. My boo. During our reading, Donetta mentioned that one day it will be just the two of us. I'm still searching for a meaning to this, but I fear I won't find it until it happens.

After doing some growing up, experiencing things I never thought I would when I was younger, I believe the words of this wise woman. She speaks the truth. I now believe there is more than one "soulmate" for a person. Each person you meet, the ones you spend time with, the ones you love, may not stay with you until the end. But they're with you for the time, to teach you something. To help you grow. To help you find out who you really are.

I'm tired of being hung up on the past, and worrying about what might happen. I want to enjoy the time I have with the people I care about. The one I... Well, yes. Indeed. It's true. I'm sick of being scared to admit to my feelings. I am fearless. I will not run and hide.

So I sit here, preparing something for you. Something that speaks far better than I, I'm no poet. I've never been good with words. I ramble a lot, and when things get too serious, I'll lighten the mood. But you're with me, and tonight we'll be together again. I look forward to the times I'm able to spend with you. Sleeping with you at night. Laughing with you during the day. Doing things with you I've not been able to do with anyone else. Being myself. Being happy. Content. With you.

I'll be yours. I am yours.
 
 
Feeling: optimisticoptimistic
Listening to: I Will Follow You into the Dark -- Death Cab
 
 

Tomorrow is Friday! I love three day weekends, because they cause four day weeks. This means I get to see my <3 sooner than I would on a normal week. And, like, omg 1 month tomorrow!!!1 I wish I could make that sound sillier, but typing that way makes me want to die on the inside. Proper English is much better.

Last night after work = Ghost Hunters! I'm excited to have them back, and being able to watch them. I've been without cable for a while, but now that I'm back at Mom's it's no longer an issue. I <3 TAPS.

I've been studying today, like a good student should. You should all be proud of me. I'll even pick up the books again when I return home from work! I'm trying to work my way back into a routine that has been disrupted for various reasons. This all starts with returning to the gym in the morning. I've been slacking off for a while. The worst part is that Mom's scale is broken, so I haven't even been able to check my weight since I moved back in. I'm used to getting on the scale every morning, I would even do it on the weekends when the bf was there. I'm distraught. I guess I'll find out the verdict tomorrow at the gym, when I weigh myself in the locker room. I can deal with staying the same weight, but I can't accept a gain (regardless of how small it is.) No matter what happens, I'm going to Weight Watchers on Saturday morning. Hopefully it will be a joyous experience, like it's been since I broke up with Rob. I've not gained any weight since February, and I certainly don't want to ruin the record now.

Aside from that, it's shaping up to be a wonderful weekend (as they've been since I met you.) Friday night after work = drinking and the sex. Saturday will be a full day. Weight Watchers at 8:30am, then I gets to shoot guns (woot!) In the afternoon, I'll be at my sister's celebrating my niece's birthday (I can't believe she's already turning 2.) After that, my darling is taking me to the movies. I've not been to a movie in ages. Sunday, I believe I'm hooking up with my dearest John for another photo shoot.

Were it not time for me to head to work, I would post something more significant. For now, I shall leave you with a lovely Placebo song.

If I could tear you from the ceiling
And guarantee a source divine
Rid you of possessions fleeting
Remain your funny valentine

Don't go and leave me
And please don't drive me blind
Don't go and leave me
And please don't drive me blind

If I could tear you from the ceiling
I know best have tried
I'd fill your every breath with meaning
And find a place we both could hide

Don't go and leave me
And please don't drive me blind
Don't go and leave me
And please don't drive me blind
You don't believe me
But you do this every time
Please don't drive me blind
Please don't drive me blind

I know you're broken
I know you're broken
I know you're broken

If I could tear you from the ceiling
I'd freeze us both in time
And find a brand new way of seeing
Your eyes forever glued to mine

Don't go and leave me
And please don't drive me blind
Don't go and leave me
And please don't drive me blind

And please don't drive me blind
And please don't drive me blind
And please don't drive me blind
And please don't drive me blind

I know you're broken
I know you're broken
I know you're broken

<3
 
 
Feeling: energeticenergetic
Listening to: Blind -- Placebo
 
 

I love three day weekends, there is always so much to do and more time to spend with the people I care about. Not having to work on Monday was definately a plus (but I have to work today, fail!)

We got off work relatively early on Friday. Being that it was a holiday weekend, everyone was ready to leave and Fritz was not one to argue. We got out around 8:30pm or so, then I was off to Greenhills to pick up the bf. I was all excited, because earlier in the day Mom had bought me some delicious pumpkin beer. I look forward to it every Fall season, and hadn't realized it would be on the shelves already. So, back to Mom's we went to drink, watched a little TV, then headed downstairs to the womancave for some wonderful time alone.

Saturday began a busy, and most wonderful weekend. We met Mom for lunch, then it was off to River Downs to watch the races! Equipped with the race program for River Downs, and a Daily Racing Form, I was ready to pick some winners. I wish I had the balls to actually place a bet, because I would've won a bit of money. I definately called the Trifecta in one of the races, and could've walked away with $328. Dammit! I'm always second guessing myself, so no bets were made. I did, however, score a beer and a sunburn.

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After the excitement of the races, it was back to Mom's again. We went to dinner with Mom, Karen, and Pat. Then, back home for more drinking! We sat on the porch for a while, listened to music, watched fireworks in the distance, and looked at the stars. I saw a bat fly past, and almost died on the inside. I <3 bats. Mom came home, and I sneak attacked her with the camera. We drank a bit more, then went downstairs for amazing times and sleep.

Sunday was an early morning. I dropped him off at home so he could have his man time, then went to the barn and took a long walk with my horse. He behaved so nicely. We went further on the trails than we had ever been, and he did the cutest little hop over a fallen tree. Sadly, it's been so dry this summer that the creek is completely dry. Not even a tiny puddle exists, just a big pile of rocks. On the way back to the barn, he discovered the pond by the cornfields, and thought it would be a wonderful idea to play in the water. Thankfully, he didn't get me too wet (my cell phone would've been very displeased) and we headed back to the barn. I put him back in his stall, then went home to take a shower.

Sunday evening = WEBN fireworks. I <3 Firework Day! So much goodness happened. I almost had to burn some punk ass in the eye with my cigarette. Rudeness upsets me. Don't make eye contact with me, and start "coughing" just because you see me smoking a cigarette. Grow the fuck up, seriously. Aside from that encounter, it was a wonderful night.

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We even made some fireworks of our own that night <3

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After the fireworks were over, we followed the mass exodus of people away from the river and back to my Jeep. We picked up some more alcohol, drank some, and then had the most AMAZING time yet.

Monday was a lazy day, the last day of the weekend. We took a drive and then relaxed at Mom's. We had a couple of drinks on the porch while we waited for dinner to cook, and listened to music.

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We're so fucking hardcore together. Anyway, after dinner was done we took a little nap in my bed. It was sad making to take him home, because it meant sleeping alone that night. I was definately spoiled this weekend, I enjoy his company way too much.

Now it's back to the real world of work and studying for my classes and instructor exams (which are less than two months away at this point.) But, tomorrow is Wednesday. Not only does that mean the return of Ghost Hunters, but it also means seeing my <3 again. Yay for having someone to watch my show with!
 
 
Feeling: busybusy
Listening to: Blind -- Placebo
 
 
27 August 2008 @ 12:28 pm
It's Wednesday. Hump Day, if you will. This means that there are only two more days until Friday, but it always seems like it will never come fast enough to satisfy me. This weekend is going to be so full of goodness, and there are three days of it! All hail three day weekends! I always enjoy getting paid to NOT work. It's wonderful!

For now, let's recap a bit.

Monday, work was long. It's slowly getting closer to peak season, which means more money (but also hell for two months.) Mom brought me Chinese, so I ate the noms (beef and broccoli for the win, fried rice and egg roll included) and got online. I talked to friends on AIM for a short while, and then experienced a lovely surprise! I ended up "kidnapping" Russell (win!) and didn't have to sleep alone Monday night (double win!)

Tuesday, the new bed was assembled. It wouldn't have taken as long as it did if people knew how to drill holes in the proper places, and write directions in ENGLISH. I can't read these pictures. Do I look Egyptian? Even picture books have words, fool! Anyway, the womancave is slowly coming together and looking more like a livable space. There was a bit of alone time in the new bed (you are in so much trouble this weekend, sir) and eventually I went to sleep (alone, dammit.)

Today! Woke up insanely early, then went to the doctor to get my shot. My hip hurts, as it always does afterwards. Hopefully it won't hurt as much when Friday gets here. I have to work at 5:10pm, then come home to eat, be a loser online, and then sleep.

How amazing is that?

I want it to be Friday.

I miss you.

<3
 
 
Feeling: coldcold
Listening to: Selector -- Skindred